As I mentioned in my last post, my hubby and I are expecting baby #2 in July. I'm very excited about this. I honestly am. I love my daughter with all of my being and I am super excited to love the new baby just as much, and to see my daughter grow as not only a pretty awesome person, but an awesome big sister. It's so exciting. We got off to rocky start, but that's ok. Things are good now...mostly.
On the outside, I probably look calm, and cool and every bit the excited expectant mama is supposed to look. I'm taking great delight in my baby belly that has made an appearance already, I'll gladly chatter away about becoming a mommy again. I've been cruising the Babies R Us for nursery themes. That's on the outside.
On the inside, I am scared to tears. Literally. Sometimes, I get misty-eyed because of fear. It's not an unnatural fear. I think I may have mentioned in the past that my pregnancy with my daughter was not a good one. First being sick, then, at 17 weeks, I was diagnosed with a condition called placenta previa. This is when the placenta attaches over the cervix instead of up nice & high in the uterus. It causes lots of problems, including bleeding. I had 3 bleeds. The first was just a little spotting. The next 2 were big bleeds. They were bad bleeds. There is no amount of brain bleach that can erase the memory of the way my bathrooms (both at home and in the hospital) looked. It's something no mother should ever see. It's scary.
My doctors have said a few times that a repeat previa is rare. One of my favorite doctors was actually my first official OB appointment. He told us that his wife had a previa with their first child, and the next two were normal pregnancies. My regular doctor told me way back right after I had my daughter that he had never seen 2 previas in one patient before. The words are what I want to hear, but that's what they are right now, just words spoken. Pretty, flowery sentiments. You see, nothing can guarantee that this pregnancy will be normal. If I've learned anything in my 35 (yikes!) years, it's that there are no guarantees in life. None. Zilch. We're not promised a tomorrow. We're only promised a right now.
Sure, my doctors say that the chance of my having the same condition is minimal, but there is that chance. I try my best to push the thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them. Most times, I succeed. I focus on what is going on at the moment. I live in the moment. I laugh, I joke, I yell (yeah, yeah, I have a temper.) I live. What else can I do? It's in moments like this when everything is quiet in the house with the little one in bed, asleep (or supposed to be,) and the hubby downstairs, the TV off, and the only sound is the music I have playing in Media Player and my fingers typing. That's when the thoughts creep in. The what if's.
We go in for our first ultrasound on Monday. It's to get a more accurate feel of exactly how far along I am. I don't want to have another c-section this time around. My doctors and the hospital both allow VBAC, so I'm good to go. However, if I go a week over my due date, they're going to schedule another section. They can't induce me because I had a c-section already.
Later, in February, we'll have a level 2 ultrasound done. This is why I am holding my proverbial breath. This is where they will check for where the placenta attached. Hopefully this one is behaving and attached where it's supposed to and not where it's not supposed to be. I don't know if I can handle being in that situation again. I honestly don't know if I will bounce back again. It was rough the last time.
I know that it's irrational to worry about things I can't change. I know that whatever is meant to be will be. I know all of that. I do! But, the thoughts in the back of my mind are always there. Those images of a long time ago are still there. Nothing will ever erase those. Nothing. Not time, no amount of good memories, nothing. So, I soldier on. I pick my daughter up from preschool, and I talk with the other moms, who I love talking to. I take her our to lunch, I take her to the movies, I spend time with her. We laugh, we argue a little here and there (what mom and daughter don't?) But, in the background, it's always there. It's not something I'm used to, either, the fear. I'm not fearless by any stretch of the mind, but I am usually up for an adventure.
I hope that I don't come across like I don't want my baby. I do. I want this baby with everything that I have in me. We tried for 2 years, of course I want this baby. He or she will be loved as much as his or her big sister. I'm looking forward to more adventures with another sidekick. I just fear the journey getting there. I hope that my fears are in vain. I want to walk out of that doctor's office in February with my husband laughing at how silly I was to fear it so much.
In the meantime, all I'm asking is understanding. If I seem like I'm angry, or I'm not myself. Please understand that it has nothing to do with you (unless you're my husband who seems to think it is hilariously funny to push me to my breaking point.) It's me. It's those little thoughts in the back of my mind nibbling away. It's the fear inside popping out momentarily. It's all of the things that I won't tell you in person because I don't want to spread those things around wherever I go. Hopefully, I'll be able to report in February that everything is great and I can move on from here. That is my hope for right now.
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