See? I told you. I make cute kids. :-)
Anyway, I know I've been absent because of making a new person and all, but I'm going to skip all of that and say that this week was a rough one for me and my older daughter, who is also gorgeous, and incredibly smart. She started Kindergarten! Not half-day either. She's gone all day. Yesterday was her first day. I took pictures.
Yeah, I know, I make gorgeous kids. So, aside from bragging about how adorable my girls are, I do have a purpose in writing this.
I'm home with the baby all day long. I love this because usually her big sister is vying for attention when she's home with us. Today, I had a bunch of things to do. As I was getting ready to do them, Cecilia decided that she was hungry. So, I made up a bottle, sat down and fed my little bundle of joy. When she was finished, she fell asleep cuddled up on my chest.
I sat there and looked into her sweet, sleeping face and I realized that it doesn't matter if I get the dishwasher emptied and reloaded. It doesn't matter if I don't vacuum up that popcorn that Abby dropped on the floor yesterday. It doesn't matter if I don't dust my TV stand. None of this matters because I'm bonding with my little one. That matters more than anything. The dust will be there when she's asleep for the night. The dishes will be there when she takes her nap (if she decides to take one.) The popcorn will be there when my husband comes home from work to hang out downstairs with the girls. All of that can wait.
What can't wait is my babies. I look at Abby and it hits me over and over again how big she's gotten. My desktop and screen saver run through pictures of her and now Cecilia. Pictures of her at Cecilia's age pop up pretty often and it seems like just yesterday that I was living those days, crying from the sleep deprivation, reveling in the gummy smiles, worrying that she wouldn't hit the milestones on time. Each of those pictures make me realize that those days are gone. They're never coming back, and that makes me sad.
Abby went to our local YMCA for preschool for 2 years. Her pictures from her first days (both 3 year old and 4 year old) pop up. Her graduation pictures pop up, and images in my mind that are forever seared there and that I hold so dear pop up and I start sobbing. Those days are gone for her forever.
My baby isn't a baby anymore. She's a big girl. She now goes to a big girl school, and tomorrow, will ride the school bus for the first time. She eats lunch at school now, not at her little table at home. She gets a snack at school, no longer gets a graham cracker or a pack of gummies from the pantry, asking me to open the packs for her. No longer can I pick her up every Thursday and take her to our local diner (well, one of the 500 around here.) She has half days one Friday a month, so we can still do that sometimes. She has to get up at 6 a.m. (a blow to all of us, as none of us are morning people,) and at the bus stop by 7:15. She will take the bus home as well. That last one, I'm debating if it's going to happen or not. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I love seeing her sweet little face light up and run to me when she comes out of the building. So, we'll see, bus. We'll see.
I walk ingot the kitchen and I see the full dishwasher, and the dirty dishes waiting to go in when I empty it. I see the dust bunnies procreating on my TV stand. I see that popcorn, and probably a cereal bit here & there on the floor. Then, I look at my new baby and it hits me that she is our second and our last...unless we adopt, which is a possibility I won't rule out at this time. I realize that she is probably the last chance I'll have to snuggle on the couch with her in a milk coma. I know that her firsts will be a last as well. Those smiles aren't going to be gummy forever, and we won't have anymore of them. The crying will abate. The talking will start. Well, that part I'm ok with. But, the rest of it, I'm not ready for. It goes so quickly. It really does. Too quickly. This is time that needs to be taken advantage of. This is the stuff that needs to be treasured.
So, my big girl is off to big girl school, and I think I handled it worse than she did. She did well. She got out of the car and went right in. She said she did cry twice during the day. I, on the other hand, bawled like a baby the whole way home. I got myself together as we pulled onto the street, and walked into the house, stood in the middle of the living room and burst out crying again.
So many things ran through my head. Did I do enough with her? Did I teach her enough? Did I give her enough love? Did I tell her I love her enough? Did I enforce kindness enough to her? Will she listen? Did I take her to enough places? Did I snuggle enough with her? Did I sing and dance with her enough? Did I do a good job? How the hell is she 5 already? That last one goes through my head at least 3 times an hour. I just can't wrap my head around it.
I know that I can't rewind time, no matter how much I want to. I know that I can't change the past. What's done is done. I can't undo it now. All I can do is try to do everything I can with Cecilia now and continue to show Abby how much I love her (and I do love her so much.) All I can do is move forward and help my big girl do the same and focus on giving Cecilia all of the same love and attention that I gave Abby. Let's hope that the rest of the year is less traumatizing...for me, that is.
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