When I had my first daughter, Abigail, 5 years ago, I was determined to breast feed. I was going to give it my all and nothing was going to stop me. After a little bit of a bumpy start, we fell into a good routine and it worked. I felt great about it. She nursed for 9 months and then decided that she was done. I was ok with that too. I didn't force her to continue because I wasn't going to stress both of us out with it.
Fast forward 5 years. I now have another beautiful baby girl, Cecilia. Want to see pictures? See my last post. I have a few pictures of both of my gorgeous girls. Again, I was gung-ho about breast feeding, and at first, it seemed that she was too. She latched right on in recovery after my c-section, and took to it like a champ. Then the next day came and it wasn't going so smoothly. By the time we left the hospital, it was iffy. During the first couple of weeks, the first feeding of the day went great, after that, it was all downhill. Plus, I had a very (all of the sudden) demanding 5 year old on my hands. While she's usually very self sufficient, she all of the sudden needed me for EVERYTHING.
Most of the time, our nursing sessions ended in tears, for both Cecilia and me. So, I started pumping and feeding the baby from the bottle, but keeping that morning session in tact. We have also been supplementing from the beginning. I'm not above it. You gotta do what you've gotta do. Then, she started to refuse even that. I stressed about this A LOT. I thought about it A LOT. It drove me crazy. Then, I realized, she's doing great as it is. By her 1 month check up, she had gained almost 2 FULL POUNDS!
So, I made a decision. As much as I wanted to have the same wonderful experience again, I just don't think it's in the cards this time around. Instead, I'm going to be the best darn pumper I've ever known. We'll throw some formula in there too to keep up with demand. She's not even 2 months old and already taking 5-6 oz. a feeding! She's happy, she's healthy. I'm happy, I'm healthy. That is the only thing that matters. Do I wish that things were different, sure. I miss the closeness I feel when I nurse her. I miss the feeling of the contact that you can only get while nursing. It's not that bottle feeding doesn't give you that feeling of being close to your baby at all. That's not what I'm saying. There's just something different for me about it.
But, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't meant to be this time around. It's not worth having a baby who is pissed off and screaming, and it's not worth having a mommy who is crying after every feeding because she feels like she let her baby down. So, it's pumping and supplementing for this little girl now. It doesn't make me a failure. It doesn't make me less of a mommy. It simply means that I have to do what I feel is best for my daughter. If this is the road we have to take to put us both at ease, you know what? I'm ok with that.
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